I still remember my first year of marriage with Derrick. Well, it was not too long ago. This December will be our 6th year anniversary. We got married after only a few months of knowing each other, but our connection was undeniable. If you have not listened to the backstory of our relationship, click here to listen.
I Had It In The Bag....Or So I ThoughtSpeaking for myself (Rachel), I thought I had fully prepared myself to be a wife during my single years. I knew how to clean, make a decent meal, pay bills, and do something strange for a little change. That was all I needed to do to be a good wife right?! Wrong?! I had it in the bag...or so I thought. The first year of our marriage was SOOOOO HHHAAARRRDDD! At the tender age of 28, I did not know myself...even after living with myself ALLLL my life...CRAZY. Millennial at its finest. This is what we always hear about 'men-boys'. We hear boys do not turn into men until they reach their 40's and maybe even beyond that. Society says women mature faster than men and should prepare to be married and have children way before the tender age of 40. Well, our culture may need to change the narrative.
Here is what I learned the first year of our marriage.
1. Lose the attitude
Booooyyy! I had the WORST attitude of all time. I would get so angry about things and blow a fuse. I would scream and shout at the top of my lungs about....I don't even remember. I just know it feels foolish now having acted the way I did. We all have some sort of defense mechanism and mine was a bit drastic. Ok, a lot drastic. Eventually, I made the conscious effort to WooSah whenever I began to feel my "blood boiling" and anger arising when I had to have certain conversations with my husband. We could talk about, for example, money, and if he said things that I did not agree with I became the ideal "mad black woman". Here we are years later and I can admit I do not react the way I did years prior. My reaction to unpleasing situations is much calmer. I have learned to properly communicate about events and situations that are unpleasing by opening my mouth and speaking calm like a normal person instead of having such a heightened, overwhelming reaction. I am now intentional with my slow response. I observe how I am feeling. If my heart is beating fast and I want to pounce on the situation like a mean cat, I'll simply say to my husband I need some time to calm down before having a discussion . Plain and simple. Easy peasy.
2. Learn to Communicate
As much as I hated to hear my husband call me a mad black women, that was the impression I was giving. My communication in the first year was rolling my eyes, my neck and two steps shy of snapping my fingers in a Z formation! I still do a little bit of this and that, but I have learned to listen and communicate effectively. What does that look like, you ask. It looks like an individual hearing the thoughts of their loved one with both ears open. In the past, I was super offensive about things Derrick wanted to discuss if it had to do with him wanting more of me in the relationship. I would IMMEDIATELY pop off. Baayy-Baayy, I was trippin'-trippin'! My delivery has gotten much better. I now listen more and speak/react less while making sure my heart is in a good space to communicate. If I am not in a good space to communicate, I ask for a little bit of time to calm down before engaging in communication with Derrick.
3. Do Not Turn Off Your Love Train
This situation in some instances is easier said than done. For women, our bodies are always changing and hormones consistently fluctuate. We have monthly cycles, take birth control, deliver babies, deal with the eustress of motherhood and being a wife. This is just a small list of things that cause a woman's hormones to change and thereby change her "attitude" or even mood for love; whether physical or mental. We had a baby our first year into our marriage. I breastfed for a short while after giving birth. I always felt tired and unlike myself. I did not feel like the Rachel I always knew. All the while, I still went on with my days accomplishing my daily duties, but I was not accomplishing showing my husband even the smallest form of affection. He is a big communicator and remember, at the time, I was not. He would mention not feeling wanted and I would snap back with an eye roll and a couple of choice words or two. I will be honest. That situation did not resolve itself in the first year because I was so bull-headed. My advice is that if the love starts to change for any reason, you both sit and find out what is happening because it might be out of the control of you both. You may have to seek professional advice from your physician to do things like change your birth control or maybe your usual sexual position. Be supportive of one another and try to stay on the love train together. If you are not the one falling off the train, be in your spouse's corner and find solutions together. Don't make it seem as though it is one person's problem and they need to find out on their own what is happening. Work together.
COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
I hope you weaned the things in my message that works for you. If you are in your first year of marriage and everything is going bomb.com then count your blessings. If you are in your first year of marriage and your relationship already has bumps in the road, count your blessings. There is nothing like being in a relationship with someone who you know God made just for you. Work together whether your relationship is in the valley or the mountaintop. Take some time to listen to our Black Love story to get to know me and Derrick and embark on our beautiful black love journey.
TTYL!
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